My Twisted & Wicked life

Taena!!! This is it na… bagong promote… bagong office… bagong mga tao. Medyo kinakabahan ako, this is the big break I was waiting for but this can make or break my career in the corporate world… although I don’t worry too much kasi I can venture into teaching anytime I want… Imagine, I was given the power to decide and run a very important department in the company…One wrong decision and one wrong move and pupulutin ako sa kangkungan!!!! Whaaaaa!!!! Parang gusto ko tumakbo pabalik… Ganito pala yung feeling na alam mo maraming umaasa sa ‘yo and that expectations are very high sa sobrang taas ng expectations nasusuka ako at nalulula…. This really makes me think kung tama ba that I accepted this offer? Hindi kaya masyado na complicated  ang buhay ko and dagdagan ko pa ng malaking responsibilidad? Hindi kaya masyado pa kong bata to take such big responsibilities? Katulad nga ng sabi sakin ng daddy ko ” kayong mga kabataan ngayon, masyado kayong nagmamadali sa buhay… gusto nyo mabilis ang phase ng buhay, then in the end you’ll realize that there were lots of things in life na hindi nyo na-enjoy…”  Maybe my dad is right.. I don’t know.. pero andito na ‘to.. wala ng urungan.. kakayanin ko ‘to.

finally, my much awaited promotion is now coming to a reality. My boss called me to his office this morning and informed me that he is entrusting me the management of a  small department in our office… I am so happy that I am being given greater responsibilities, but another part of me is scared…maybe because I am expecting too much from myself and that if someone from the team I’m going to handle will not succeed, i’ll blame myself for it… i know I have been such a bitch and a pain in alot of my officemates’ ass but it has always been my way of pushing them not to settle for mediocre. Tomorrow, my boss will announce my promotion and I have to prepare myself… becuase I know alot of people in the office doesn’t like me… This is what’s been plaguing a company where workforce is composed of old people… they do not welcome or allow new breed of talents to go up the ladder because they still stick to the rules on “seniority”.  They settle for mediocrity… what’s important to them is the security of their tenure, the benfits they are recieving and are so not committed to giving back to the company. Don’t get me wrong, i am not pro management, infact I have always been at the forefront of the battle for strict implementation of the labor laws (which has always been violated).But what saddens me is how newbies (neophytes, new breeds, young professionals) are being treated in this kind of organization. People in this kind of organization look down on new graduates, they do not give new breeds of talents (I always call myself a new breed of talent)the chance to utilize their outmost potential becuase old employees think that these people are not as good as them.. How many “new breeds” have I seen in this company, who for what i think has the potential of making it big if just given the right opportunities, left the company because they felt they do not belong… How many times have I been put down in this company? How many people have bullied me and have made me feel like stupid? How many times have I been left out of parties? How many times these old people made my  work life so miserable by giving me too much task/ job? I can no longer remember  how many times…. perhaps a hundred or a thousand… but one thing is for sure, I never allowed them to succeed!! i never faltered and gave in to what they want… I was strong enough to make their working life miserable by being mean and bitchy to them… Yes, I have been bitching around the office… I have been mean to them…very mean. And since they hate me… they feel i am their greatest competition… they compete with me. Competing with me means they have to beat high performance, which they did.  I’m happy they competed with me because service level increased and productivity increased. I may be a bitch… but I’m one hell of a good bitch!!!

It has been awhile na hindi ako nakapag update ng blog ko… I was mending a broken heart… When I learned that my ex BF is living with his current partner I got hurt… Got really hurt… Si Ivan was my BF for almost 5 years. We went through a lot pero kahit ganun we still managed to keep the relationship alive… When Ivan left, I had a hard time coping up… sabi ng mga friends ko, life goes on pero Ivan was my life. For months I pretended I was ok… mahirap mag pretend but I don’t have any choice. I need to make everybody feel I’m ok and that everything in me is sunny and fine. I am strong…akala ko I’m strong. ..hindi pala. I cried hanggang sa wala na akong maiyak. Questions regarding our break up has been plaguing me.Ang dami kong tanong sa isip but was left hanging and I guess will just be left unanswered…I talked to Ivan and he said one thing that really strucked or should I say confused  me… he said ” Whatever it is that happened to us.. our relationship… one thing is for sure…the love I gave and had for you was true” What the hell does that mean? If he trully loved me, bakit nya ko iniwan?